Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief

Expectations

4 Comments

Continuing with last week’s theme, I think the concept of expectations is another good therapy idea that has gotten overused and taken to a bad extreme. To be human is to have expectations. Period.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a session with a client. She was talking about something and then used the word “expected” in a sentence. She stopped her flow of thought and looked at me with an apology and said, “I know I’m not supposed to have expectations,” as if her disappointment with her situation was ultimately her fault because she dared to expect something.

I told her that I wasn’t “that kind” of therapist, and many therapists are not either. She will never hear me tell her not to expect anything. It would be easier to tell her to stop breathing. However, having REASONABLE expectations is a very, very worthy goal. I asked her if when she makes an appointment with me, if she expects me to be here when she arrives. Of course she does. And that is a reasonable expectation for her to have.

Expectations for me personally, are yet another example of the interesting way people perceive me. Most of the time, people fall in two camps. Either I am told I have too high of expectations of others, or I am told my expectations are way too low. Usually, the people who think I expect too much are people who have disappointed me, not kept their word, or something else. So it’s similar to last week’s blog. Encouraging others to lower their expectations was not intended psychologically to be used as an excuse for poor behavior.

The second camp of people usually come after a discussion of my dating life. Sometimes people who haven’t been out there in the dating world assume that an almost fifty-year-old is probably single because she expects too much from a partner. People who are close to me? Well, they usually say I don’t expect enough. I tend to be much more tolerant and patient for my own good. Kind of interesting.

If you are a human being, you will expect things. The goal of a healthy individual is not to eradicate having expectations, it is to keep them in check. It is to make sure you are expecting things that are fair, reasonable, things others are capable of.

Oh yeah- if I tend to be unreasonable with my expectations, it is usually focused on one person- myself. I tend to be stupidly hard on myself, expecting that I am beyond human. I’ve been working on that one for a few decades. I’ve made some progress, but I will always err on the side of beating myself up. That’s why I work so hard to eliminate outside forces that seem to enjoy beating me up as well.

I mean that in an emotional/verbal sense of course. But it should be said that one expectation I have, especially as a woman, is that I not by physically touched in a way that I am not comfortable with. There is an entire spectrum of things that can go on that- from extremes like rape, to jokes that are demeaning or uncomfortable. Whatever on that continuum, I expect to be respected physically and it is my job to make sure that it happens.

Of course, the lower the expectations are, the less disappointed you are. There is truth to that. Maybe the rule of thumb should be when it comes to others, expect as little as possible and be pleasantly surprised. But then again, it you expect nothing, then sometimes you get exactly that. Nothing.

Telling someone else they should lower their expectations? I suppose there is a place for that also, but I would be very, very careful with that. Most times, tossing that out there is a way to deflect away from your own behavior that you would be better off taking responsibility for. That requires some maturity, but it is often times the much healthier route.

All things in moderation… I say that a lot I suppose. But to be human is to have expectations. People who truly seem to have none, are the scary people I wrote about last week. You don’t want to lose your humanity, your heart, your capacity to truly love another. Just keep your expectations reasonable, and don’t be afraid to meet other people’s expectations if they are reasonable. A little compassion is a GOOD trait. That other extreme stuff is not what the intended message was. Seek to be healthy!

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Author: helpforhealing

Darcy Thiel, MA is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY State. She earned her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL. Ms. Thiel has been a couple and family therapist in West Seneca, New York since the mid-1990’s. Ms. Thiel is currently an adjunct professor at Medaille College in Buffalo, NY. She is also an accomplished speaker and presenter on various topics throughout the Western NY area. She is the proud author of Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer, the prequel to Life After Death, on This Side of Heaven. To learn more about Ms. Thiel and other exciting books from Baby Coop Publishing, LLC, visit her website at www.babycooppublishing.com or www.darcythiel.com Copyright Help for Healing by Darcy Thiel © 2012-2016. All rights reserved.

4 thoughts on “Expectations

  1. WOW, ok, here I go… From my point of view…

    Expectations.
    Example of a general expectations: I expect my car to start when I turn the key, that’s a reasonable expectation. Things that could effect that would be weather conditions, lack of proper service intervals and such. I don’t expect the tires to go flat however they do from time to time unexpectedly.

    For me Expectations fall into many categories and become specific to each situation and if you dealing with something new, you will have new expectations.

    Again, for me, there are: general, professional, social, financial, political, personal and the most challenging for me are the relationship expectations, just to name a few types of expectations
    Case in point. I’m going to quote an excerpt from you blog. You stated…

    “I asked her if when she makes an appointment with me, if she expects me to be here when she arrives. Of course she does. And that is a reasonable expectation for her to have.”

    I agree to some extent because actually that’s a personal expectation for her, she looking to get clarity on her situation regardless of what it is, as for you, it’s a financial expectation as you are expecting her to show up so that you can put food on your table, it a reasonable expectation for both of you. You both have something to gain from your expectations, very reasonable and NORMAL.

    Another statement you made I have a different point of view on and I will quote you again…

    “Expectations for me personally, are yet another example of the interesting way people perceive me. Most of the time, people fall in two camps.”

    The key word here for me is: personally, this I your personal view… ok

    People do NOT fall into simply two categories, that’s absurd. That’s your point of view, you’re entitled to it however, it neither right or wrong, for me its NARROW minded. People fall into many categories and in many cases bleed over into several of these so called categories at the same time.

    The rest of your blog is what it is…

    Couple of things, people are different, ALL day every day. Judge less.

    Secondly, I believe that if you want something different in your life, you have to do something you’ve never done before to get it. NOTHING ever grows in the “Comfort Zone”

    Your thought’s?

    • I will be brief as I am unexpectedly finding myself in the ER with my dad. I did want to clarify my statement you referenced. When I said that people fall into two camps that was in direct reference to the statement in that paragraph. When it comes to people in my life commenting on me specifically, I usually here two kinds of comments. I was most definitely not implying that all people everywhere fit into just two categories. I apologize for any confusion with that.

  2. You, my friend, are one of the most compassionate people I know and love! 💞

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