Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Slacker

It has been three weeks since I have blogged. I know I have missed a week here and there, but I don’t think I’ve ever missed two weeks in a row except when I had that planned hiatus. You would think I would be boiling over with words to write, but I am actually struggling.

The first week I missed, I was sick. Like could barely sit up sick. Tons of people are. My office is full of clients that compete with me for coughing time. This episode has been dragging on forever. I get better, then I get worse again. I could feel myself fighting it for a week, then I woke without a voice. Then a few days later, it became full-blown sickness. I got an antibiotic so I could still fly to my vacation in Myrtle Beach. The first two days I felt much better. Then we went horseback riding on the beach and I got sick all over again. It was totally worth it, though. Riding was awesome.
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I got so bad that I had to go to urgent care or there was no way I could fly home without rupturing an ear drum. Of course, they wouldn’t accept my insurance so I had to pay for the visit and the steroid shot, but I got better and came home. A couple days later, I felt worse again. Up and down. Now I just have to work hard to find my proper voice sometimes, but I don’t really feel sick anymore.

The second week I didn’t blog, was because my computer had crashed. I didn’t even think computers crashed anymore. My phone didn’t work for almost two weeks and after battling with Verizon (shocking, I know) I finally got a different phone. Two days later, my computer crashed. I have no idea why, but in all fairness, the extent of the damage was my fault. I called my IT guy and he told me to shut it off. I said ok, but when the computer screen asked me if I wanted the computer to repair itself, I couldn’t resist saying yes. It repaired itself all right, right back to factory settings. My IT guy wanted to wring my neck.

He was able to save my files, but I lost over 400 email addresses. I lost about five years of important saved emails with registration information and other stuff. And I lost three years of photo information. I still have the photos, but the organization, data, and the collection information is all gone. It will take about three months to restore all of that. Anyhow, that was my excuse for not blogging. I could have logged into another computer to blog, but that would require my log in information. That was in a document in my computer that hadn’t gotten rescued yet, so no-go.

So this week, life is relatively boring. I am done traveling all over the place. I am not so sick. My phone and computer are both working. I’m done crying in my soup about the years’ worth of work I lost. I am experiencing something I was craving the entire month of February- consistency. Contentment. Calmness. Hmm… all C words. Not the usual craziness, another C word. I gained back four pounds during all those weeks I was off track, but I’m back on the course I need to be. Just a pound short of my original success.

But here’s the thing. Ted’s Hot Dogs is having a customer appreciation day. Hot dogs are only 99 cents. Maybe I will celebrate my drama-free week with a diet cheat. Celebrate, another C word. :)!!

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Ally McBeal

I absolutely love Netflix. Since the summer, I have really been working at being more comfortable being alone. Truth be told, the magic answer was in putting Netflix on my phone. I can lay in my bed for hours and hours and watch stuff on my phone. I watch series that start with the very first season and watch until I’ve completed it.

First, I watched Breaking Bad. I loved and hated it. I was so disturbed by it, I can’t even watch that actor in another movie now. No amount of reality talking in my head about how he was a real human just playing a fictional character will do it. I hate that Walter dude, no matter where I see him.

I decided in order to avoid a psychotic break, I needed to switch gears. I watched Friends. Ten freaking sessions. And you remember the old days. A season was actually 26 episodes, not seven like they do now.

Currently, I am switching back and forth between two series – Criminal Minds and Ally McBeal. I am convinced now that I am in season eight of Criminal Minds, that I am an excellent profiler. Put me on a serial killer case and I could figure it out. Of course, I’m no Spencer Reid, but he is one of a kind.

Then there is Ally McBeal. I used to watch her after I was divorced and had moved back to the Buffalo area. I loved her. Now that I am re-watching her, I know why. I swear, I AM Ally McBeal. The description of her show describes her as “unlucky in love.” I can certainly wear that label proudly.

She is incredibly quirky, which makes me giggle out loud when I watch. She is also terribly klutzy, which I unfortunately am also quite good at.  I asked a friend today what I should blog about, and he said thankfulness. It reminded me of an episode that I watched recently.

It was Thanksgiving, and Ally’s roommate walked into the living room to find her kicking their expensive couch cushions across the room. Ally was on a roll, being “thankful” for all the blessings in her life. It is hard to explain, but she was clearly being sarcastic. And yet she wasn’t. Overall, she is grateful and positive, but when you are “supposed” to be thankful, and then thankfulness is supposed to be the secret key to finding happiness, you can get pretty sarcastic.

So she went on with her list of items she was grateful for, and concluded with how especially grateful she was that Christmas was around the corner. She said the word Christmas with such disdain, it sounded like a curse word.

Only people who have experienced loneliness – I mean true, gut-wrenching loneliness – will understand that disdain. Holidays completely suck when you are lonely. Christmas is one of the worst.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in being thankful. I believe thankfulness is a powerful, powerful force in our lives. But I also know that there should never been an assumption that if you are sad, lonely, or in a depression, that the anecdote is necessarily learning to be grateful for your blessings. I believe with all my heart that I have recognized many, many blessings and amazing human beings that I am heartily grateful for (pun intended) and yet still experience profound sadness, loneliness, or depression. In fact, when you know all these things, you just add guilt to your list of negative affects because you know there are plenty of people out there who have less than you do. What right do I have to feel depressed?

Anyhow, even though it’s not Thanksgiving, try to revisit Ally McBeal. You will laugh your buns off, and you will probably also understand me on a different level. By the way, I’m currently NOT experiencing a lot of loneliness or depression, which I am VERY grateful for! 🙂