Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief

The Pen is NOT Mightier Than the Sword

10 Comments

I have been avoiding my blog all day.

In spite of being careful with name changes, etc., my writing sometimes gets me in trouble. This time it was pretty massive. While I find writing cathartic and healing, I have to not post some things for fear of retribution.

There are still kind people left in the world. Seems like they are less and less every year, but they are still out there. I still brush shoulders with them once in a while. I consider myself to be a kind person most of the time. But I’m also famous for going the extra mile. I go beyond ordinary kindness. I choose to because I feel like it is the way my heart and soul are wired. I must admit though, the last few years have really made me doubt my philosophy of life.

I’ve always struggled with people not reciprocating. My mom told me that when I was still in elementary school. She said I love with my whole heart and when people don’t love me back the same, I get crushed. That part I’m somewhat used to. It still hurts every time, but I know the deal. I don’t love the way I do in order to get something in return. But recently, there was another new dynamic for me to grapple with. I went the extra mile- way beyond- for the sake of another family. Later, because of my choices, my own family suffered a great deal. Now that haunts me. It probably always will.

One of my friends said that I can still be kind, but just stop going the extra mile. I’ve given that a lot of thought. That is so terribly hard for me. The extra mile is my version of kindness. I’ve lived that way for 48 years. I’m sure there has always been injustice to contend with, but I confess since Tim has died, the injustice feels triple and quadrupled. I’m not just wronged now, but it is also like, a widow and a single mom has been wronged. And a kid who has suffered more loss than he should have to has been wronged. It just feels like more than I can swallow.

Some always say, “Don’t ever change.” But how can I not? My extreme kindness actually ending up hurting my family. There are trustworthy people out there, but how can I tell? The only answer to me that makes any sense, is to stop putting myself out there to begin with. If anyone can turn on you, why invest to begin with? After a while, isn’t it more like stupidity than a quality to be admired?

I wish I could write details because it would be so much easier to explain. But I live in fear now. The ramifications can be too great to risk. So I will be censored. I have been told a thousand times throughout my life that I have amazing resilience. I just get back up every time I get knocked down. I’ve done it for decades. I might stumble a bit, but hell, I also get back up.

Eventually though, don’t you just get used up? Don’t you get too broken to ever be fixed again? That time the $5,000 got stolen really shook me up. It was someone close to me and I never did find out who did it. Now my entire family has been betrayed again. I never thought of myself as naive, but I guess I am because I still get shocked when people do evil things. And I just plain stop sleeping and live with a sick stomach every day when people do bad things to my son who has suffered so much.

I’m really trying to hold on to my heart. To my kindness and generosity. But the anger and the sadness are eating away at me. I have felt like my threshold has been reached several times over the last few years, and then a new blow comes and I realize that I had managed to get back up again only to be knocked down.

I’m not sure if it sounds like it, but this really isn’t meant to be a pity party. It is truly a philosophical, existential crisis of trying to figure out how to approach the world. My head is screaming out at me to wake up and smell the real coffee. But my heart is broken in two. It doesn’t want to live and relate to the world I’ve come to know. I don’t know if I have the strength to admit what I see. I want to close my eyes and pretend that people aren’t as ugly as they really are. I’ve been on stage recently and actually did a decent job. But this may require acting that I’m just not quite capable of.

I finally put a Christmas card together. It says we Thiels and Colvins are tough as nails with all we have been through. Yet, we are still like butter on the inside. That’s why it still hurts us when people wrong us. What is the answer?

What is the answer?

What is the answer?

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Author: helpforhealing

Darcy Thiel, MA is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY State. She earned her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL. Ms. Thiel has been a couple and family therapist in West Seneca, New York since the mid-1990’s. Ms. Thiel is currently an adjunct professor at Medaille College in Buffalo, NY. She is also an accomplished speaker and presenter on various topics throughout the Western NY area. She is the proud author of Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer, the prequel to Life After Death, on This Side of Heaven. To learn more about Ms. Thiel and other exciting books from Baby Coop Publishing, LLC, visit her website at www.babycooppublishing.com or www.darcythiel.com Copyright Help for Healing by Darcy Thiel © 2012-2016. All rights reserved.

10 thoughts on “The Pen is NOT Mightier Than the Sword

  1. (((hugs))) 💞

  2. ( a hug) i am sorry you’re dealing with a crappy situation 😦

  3. Hi Darcy, I love and miss you and am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing and have experienced… for you and your family. Sending you a big hug and wish it could be in person.

  4. i wish i could see you in person as well 🙂
    hope all is well in your part of the world….

  5. I read the article in the Buffalo News recently – Using life lessons to help others heal- I feel a kinship with you and have reread the article several times! I have been a “quote collector” for over forty years attempting to make sense of the craziness I too see all around me. Here are a few which may help you make sense of your vulnerability: “Be bold in what you stand for – and careful what you fall for”; “No one beneath you can offend you. No one your equal would.”; “People suffer when they pursue a life or dream that doesn’t belong to them.”; “Pretending I’m a pleasant person all day is exhausting!”; “We teach people how to treat us”; “The greatest conflicts are not between two people, but between one person and him(her)self” -Garth Brooks; “Optimists believe we live in the best of times, – and pessimists fear this is true.” “Failure is the universe’s way of making adjustments, of telling us we’ve taken a wrong turn.” – I understand your confusion right now and pray you continue to grow in the wisdom and grace you already possess.

  6. Thank you so much for the amazing quotes. I’m not sure if we know each other personally, but I am very grateful and touched by you taking the time to write such a response. You have given me positive things to go to sleep thinking about tonight!

  7. Darcy, you are a great and wonderful person and don”t ever change!! If I could, I would hug you right now!! Gloria

  8. You know my position on this. It equals yours and possibly extends a bit more to extremes. Have you considered that this is preparing you for something greater? Yes it sucks beyond belief, but maybe this was necessary for your future survival. Time will tell.

    Trust is earned over the long term. For now, take care of those who have paid the price of time 🙂

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