Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief

Detox Hurts

2 Comments

I had my spiritual direction session with Ellen yesterday. We talked about my food detox week. Later, as I described the last couple weeks of my life, she said I had a grief detox too. Both experiences are good for me I suppose, but they were not pleasant going through it, that’s for sure.

Selling the camper started a series of events, none of which would probably do me in under normal circumstances. But coming back to back, I think each one of them depleted me until I was a train wreck. Sell the camper, Father’s Day, Moving-up Day, some conflicts with people. Then another situation that I am not at liberty to talk about (yet) which blind-sided me and triggered all kinds of grief and loss and memories about the church I left two years… which triggered memories about a job I lost (unfairly) in Chicago a million years ago.

By the weekend, I was in a very dark, ugly place. I was acting like a classic Borderline Personality Disorder. I love you, I hate you. Come here, leave me alone. By Sunday I was saying horrible things like poor Frankie lost the wrong parent.

I kept all the texts I sent and shared them with Ellen. I wanted to keep no secrets from her. I actually had to laugh as I was reading them. They were so psycho I couldn’t believe I was serious at the time I sent them.

Ellen is the embodiment of calm and unruffled. She didn’t look shocked. She didn’t even gasp. I asked her over and over how I could go from being this strong woman to a person who seriously considered checking into a hospital. She just calmly shrugged her shoulders. She thinks I’m “gorgeous” and “perfect” just the way I am, no matter what way I’m acting. I think she’s crazy but she touches something very deep inside of me when I see her.

We talked and labeled and processed and I know when she hits the nail on the head because I get immediate tears. She talked about my feeling helpless and small. She said that even though I know that life isn’t fair, my emotional drop was because somewhere inside I am still desperately looking for things to be “right” and “just”… and guess what? Life just ain’t like that.

After a four-hour session, she came out with the verbage that I had this grief detox at the same time I’ve been detoxing my physical body. Good for me, yes. Probably even great for me, yes. Painful? Hell, yeah. Hard on the people who love me and care about me and worry about me? Hell, yeah. At the end of the day, even on those days when I throw myself the biggest pity party ever, life still has a taste of sweet on my lips. Thanks to all of you who shore me up. Those of you that love me when I was anything but lovely this weekend. xoxoxoxo to you!

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Author: helpforhealing

Darcy Thiel, MA is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY State. She earned her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL. Ms. Thiel has been a couple and family therapist in West Seneca, New York since the mid-1990’s. Ms. Thiel is currently an adjunct professor at Medaille College in Buffalo, NY. She is also an accomplished speaker and presenter on various topics throughout the Western NY area. She is the proud author of Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer, the prequel to Life After Death, on This Side of Heaven. To learn more about Ms. Thiel and other exciting books from Baby Coop Publishing, LLC, visit her website at www.babycooppublishing.com or www.darcythiel.com Copyright Help for Healing by Darcy Thiel © 2012-2016. All rights reserved.

2 thoughts on “Detox Hurts

  1. Hi Darcy,
    I believe that when we physically detox our bodies from all the toxins we have been putting in, we also release a lot of emotional toxins too. Looking back to my first detox almost a year ago, I initially thought that my extreme irritability was just from withdrawing from the sugar and processed garbage I used to eat. I now know that I was letting go of some long held onto anger. As hard as detox week is the benefits are so much greater! Hang in there.

  2. Love you, Darcy!

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