Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief

Ridiculousness

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Have you ever seen that show “Ridiculousness”? It’s kind of like an MTV version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Frankie loves it. He laughs hysterically when he watches it. I was laying in bed tonight when my head started blogging. Ridiculousness came to mind. I knew it had to be the title. Not because it’s funny. It’s the opposite. It comes from a very, very dark place.

Every once in a while I fall into this black hole. Intellectually I can totally dismantle its validity. In my mind I know it’s unhealthy junk. But emotionally I just can’t help myself. Twenty years of therapy on and off and I still battle my dark demons. Ridiculous.

I’m not sure what to call it. Depression? Probably in part. I hate it. It actually embarrasses me because it’s so pitiful and lacking in self worth. Definitely sadness. Can’t stop crying when I’m in it. On the surface, I am a pretty confident, outgoing woman. I’m relatively realistic about my strengths and weaknesses. I am aware I have much to offer the world. I am aware that in my own little corner of it, I have indeed offered the world my heart and soul and others have benefited from it. But in that dark place, I am scared- no petrified, that most people hate me. In a phrase? I’m unloveable. What is possessing me to write about it for others to see I have no idea, but I’m going with it.

About 15 years ago, I was working at a place and was getting ready to leave to dive into my practice. I was an email buddy with my co-worker’s husband and one time I felt like he pushed the writing a little too far and I told him to back off. Soon after that he excluded from his wife’s surprise party and then proceeded to let me know that it was intentional. He said I was a “liberal weirdo” and that everyone at work hated me and I was too stupid to realize it. Now, I had several co-workers assure me that wasn’t the case. And I knew he was lashing out because he was embarrassed that I called him out on something. But did any of that logic matter? Nope. Bingo. He hit me it my darkest fear. I was right, I’m not loveable.

The other night I had a very vivid, long, detailed dream. It was one of those non-sensical ones that is bizarre in details but crystal clear in meaning. I was with a group of people and I think we were actors of some sort. I had the distinct feeling that no one liked me and eventually people started to verbalize it. Then this mandate came down that every person had to find a twin to wear an identical costume with. It was obvious this order came down for one reason- to show me in a very tangible way that no one wanted to be my partner. I verbalized this to everyone. “Oh, I see. The purpose of this little exercise is to prove to me that I am alone.” They all jeered and laughed because it was true. There was one actor there (the guy from Mall Cop, go figure!) who I somehow sensed felt differently about it, but I couldn’t prove it. He was pouring drinks for everyone as they were having a celebratory toast. The occassion? Making me realize how disliked I was. However, I soon had the last laugh because I told them they were wrong and this guy did value me because he poured bitter liquid in their glasses. They were all spitting it out. I told them that he knew everyone of them would drink it but me.

I have no idea who that man was supposed to represent… God? And in a sense it was a positive ending. But I didn’t wake up feeling positive. I thought it was a horrible dream. Just awful. And I was even disgusted because I think I have it more together than to have that kind of deep seeded lack of self love to generate such dreams.

I’m sure there are many layers, but on at least one level, I think the “twin” represents a partner to me. In high school, I rarely had boyfriends. I met my first husband in Bible College. We divorced and then I spent seven years alone. Then I married Tim and we were together just a decade before he died. Here I am at 45, facing a birthday next week, and alone again. Dating, maybe, but not partnered.

I leave Sunday for my 25 year college reunion. It will be awesome. But I think it is part of the turmoil of my sleep. I remember attending the 10 year reunion, freshly divorced. I knew everyone was aware that my former husband was the one people were talking about because he became an atheist after our marriage. Tim and I attended my 15th reunion and for a brief, shining moment, I had a husband and baby by my side. Now I will attend my 25th. Alone again. Naturally.

No twin. No one that loves me so much they want to world to know by making me thier wife. I hate being a widow. I hate being a single mom. My loving friends point out that probably no one else will be able to say they are publishing a book. And I’m publishing a GREAT book!! I truly am proud of it. But I also realize that the ache in my heart isn’t about acheiving something extraordinary. It’s about being in the norm- having a significant other. I think that is part of my roller coaster of emotions about the success of the book. I want to revel in it, but I still haven’t acheived what my heart aches to- feeling loveable. Being someone’s favorite person. Being someone’s twin.

It’s ridiculous because I have more than one amazing person in my life. I am truly lucky and blessed to have family and friends that are astounding in thier loyalty and kindness. I know it frustrates them to some degree to know how much they care about me and extend themselves to me, yet I still fall down the rabbit hole sometimes. I truly love and appreciate them. And they fill a very real need and void in my life. But there is a void no friend or sister or father can fill.

I hate how pitiful it all sounds. And I intellectually know better. But for today, Thursday, my heart has fallen into the abyss. I won’t stay there. But it’s a dark night and I am truly praying for less ridiculous dreams tonight. Don’t give up on me, though. The positive Darcy will emerge again soon 🙂

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Author: helpforhealing

Darcy Thiel, MA is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY State. She earned her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL. Ms. Thiel has been a couple and family therapist in West Seneca, New York since the mid-1990’s. Ms. Thiel is currently an adjunct professor at Medaille College in Buffalo, NY. She is also an accomplished speaker and presenter on various topics throughout the Western NY area. She is the proud author of Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer, the prequel to Life After Death, on This Side of Heaven. To learn more about Ms. Thiel and other exciting books from Baby Coop Publishing, LLC, visit her website at www.babycooppublishing.com or www.darcythiel.com Copyright Help for Healing by Darcy Thiel © 2012-2016. All rights reserved.

6 thoughts on “Ridiculousness

  1. Your writing made me cry. I wish I could take all the pain and hard ache away for you. You are loved so,so much! I am praying for you daily. Lean on God for all things. He will never let you down. I am always here for you. You are a wonderful person with so much to give and offer. I have been so blessed that you are my sister and friend. Love you so much! Lisa

  2. Keeping you in my prayers, Darcy.
    ❤ Laureen

  3. Welcome to the world of many 😦 Though, I wish U didn’t enter it..I completely understand how You feel. You have it better, than most–believe it or Not!. ( because you have support around You!) I have been drifting in it for an eternity…I cannot say I am a Widow..but can Say that it is a totally, awful, lonely place to be. I have been in it for 10 years … I know I am a good person..etc.. I help & heal too..etc.. but If I really look @ My Life. I am alone! and it sucks. You are hardly from un-lovable! You are in a space- You feel that way- but that is NOT you. YOU are extraordinary and a VERY special person. Perhaps—these feelings come from somewhere deep – from experiences that built on one another..? I dunno Darci- & I know I haven’t caught up w/ You in a while…
    …What would You say to Yourself…If You had YOU in a session? I could go into some “mumbo-jumbo” about being abandoned and not loved and given up for adoption…etc…but I’m not gonna b/c –this is about YOU! You ARE LOVABLE!!! SOOOO VERY!! I still cherish you and have such great Thankfulness for ever having met YOU! I mean, Darci…it was YOU…YOU that led me to the lord and never gave up on me! That ONE action- on your part- saved my life! And made me a better person in ways that continue today & You doing that was 20 yrs. ago!! I will never forget YOU and your influence and because of it..I AM a better person!! It’s true. You are probably sinking…in the deep pit of everything you wanted, had…and lost. The book, (and I will get it & read it for sure!)..it’s a book. It’s NOT your husband who loved and understood you. It is not bringing back that comfort zone of acceptance and everything that you had along w/ it. Maybe, Darci…maybe You are still grieving…or maybe you are exhausted for trying to overcome it all..? I dunno. What I DO Know…YOU ARE LOVABLE!!!!! xo – rose

  4. Hello would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working with? I’m
    planning to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a difficult time choosing between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something
    unique. P.S My apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

    • No worries! Networking is how we all do things. I have a social media friend who is brilliant. She researched tons of stuff and decided wordpress is by far the most popular and easy to use. We have loved it so far and have no complaints with it….

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